I like to categorise my men. Like shoes. So here’s my summary of all the frogs I’ve thought of kissing – for the sake of keeping you up to date with all the guys out there that might not end up in happily-ever-after-our-first-date.
1. The Friend-with-benefits
This relationship probably started when you guys shared a pizza while watching The Avengers and then you had too much adrenaline and you ended up making out. The next day was probably super awkward, but then it happens again (and again). Then he probably started texting you at 3AM and you ended up in a relationship that’s similar to the one Tim Noakes has with high fat diets.
2. The Smart-ass
Most of the time these creatures take on the form of future lawyers or engineers. Other time’s future gamers or teachers. The point is, right now, he thinks HE KNOWS EVERYTHING. JK, he THINKS he knows everything.
“False. Actually ducks do blink.”
“False. Pluto isn’t a planet”
“True. I will never find a girlfriend by being a pompous know-it-all.”
We love dude’s who know stuff. We hate guys who use knowledge to put other people down. Simple.
3. The Friendzoner
“I really like you too, but I think it’s better that we just stay friends, because I’m afraid of commitment. Can I still get action?”
No. No. No. Just say it guuurrrlll.
4. The Emo kid
“Here, you can have my sacrificial knife. A part of my skin is still on it. It now belongs to you now, just like my heart.”
Yes, life is tougher than most of us care to admit, but that’s no reason to share pieces of your skin. Hugs, chats and metal music works better for heartache anyway.
5. The Jerk
According to an independent study (conducted by me) almost all men fall in this category. Almost, because I like Batman and I haven’t met every single man, yet.
6. Mr Sensitive
“Let’s watch a rom com and then cuddle. Then I’ll cook for you and knit you a blanky and then I can brush your hair, while you listen to my childhood stories.”
Weirdly enough, it’s either the sexiest thing under the sun or it’s as creepy as crab couscous. It all depends on the chemistry (don’t ask me how THAT works).
7. The Texter
Most of the time you’re not sure he exists or if it’s just your bored mom.
8. The Stalker
There’s two types: the Silent Stalker and the Obvious Stalker.
Obvious Stalker: “Let me drive you to your best friends party. Yeah, I know it’s a girls night. No, I’ll just wait in the car and then scroll through your Facebook wall and fight any guy that posts on it.”
Silent Stalker: “I’ve seen every single photo you’ve ever posted on social media and I’ve snuggled with them too and you’ll probably never know. Mwhamwhamwha (that’s the sound of him kissing your photo on his phone’s screen).”
9. The Slow-poke
IT’S BEEN SEVEN MONTHS, WHY HAVEN’T YOU KISSED ME YET?!
10. Mr But
No, we’re not referring to his gluteus maximus. Sies. We’re talking about that guys that’s so perfect, handsome, into you BUT “you just don’t feel the same way”.
Girl, time to let this dude down gently and slowly. Trust your instincts and your conscience and tell the guy you’re not #theone. It’s just the right thing to do, BEFORE he has to untag you in a gazillion pictures. Don’t be an a-hole to Mr But. Be decent.
11. Mr Perfect
He really has EVERYTHING. He makes your tummy tumble and he’s charming, handsome, taller than you, smart AND great with animals. He tells you, you’re beautiful and that you should order dessert. Queue: drool. You probably can’t believe your luck. You’re suspicious that he might be a serial killer or have a kid or 15 other girlfriends. This may be true.
Good luck girls! Chill it out, you will meet your Real Romeo. Or you can choose to rather have a cute little pug or ten cats. Or all of the above. Whatev. It really doesn’t matter – we’re with you either way.