We all reach that point where we want to find the peanut butter to our jam, the sneakers to our secret socks or the cat to our loneliness. So I asked that very important question we all ask ourselves everyday: is there an app for that? Like, um, Tinder?

What is this Tinder you speak of?

Tinder is a dating app. It uses your Facebook profile to gather basic information and matches you with potential candidates based on your geographical location. You can choose how many kilometres away you are willing to go in the name of Tinder dating. So let’s say you are one lazy mofo; you can edit your settings so it will only pick up candidates not farther than 5 kilometres for example. Then you scan through the possible candidates- a right swipe means YES and a left swipe means NO. If you both choose YES, then you can chat away!

I decided to try Tinder, because a few of my friends/ acquaintances have actually found interesting people there. Plus, I think it’s hilarious, so let’s do this…

First look at The Tindering

I am very sceptic of Tinder. First of all, I’ve read that stuff where women get kidnapped and sold as prostitutes and sex slaves.
Secondly, how many people will reject me? How many guys will be like, “That guuurrrll be FUGLY!” and swipe left.

Or will this happened to me?:

Thirdly, this app is based on your looks. There’s a tiny “about” section, which usually says “To chill or not to chill – that is the question”.

And lastly, what if I find my ex on Tinder? WHAT IF I FIND MY EX ON TINDER??? So I picked a Facebook pic where I look much skinnier than I really am and I joined Tinder. I am now a Tinderista, entering the cyber dating world in search of… anything that doesn’t look like that first photo that popped up…

The Tindering process

Why is this Justin Bieber lookalike on Tinder? There is NO way in hell I’m accepting ANYBODY wearing an ‘I HEART Miley’ T-shirt. Also, I really don’t get why his profile pic is of him and his girlfriend. What are they doing on Tinder? Dodgy stuff.

The fourth guy looked kind of like a young Hugh Grant and had a puppy in his profile picture. I like puppies… and I’m a HUGE Grant fan. I’d like to HUG Grant. So let’s do this. *Swipes right* And it’s a match!

Hugh Grant thinks I’m pretty. Should I send a message? No. I’m not going to send a message, he can send a message. I am not THAT desperate. Or should I, because I swiped right after he did? Is it Tinder etiquette to message him first then? Oh he messaged me.

“Hey sexy lady! What’s up??”

Stay cool. Just tell him what’s up. Should I say ‘Hi’, ‘Hey’ or ‘Heeey?’ No. Heeey sounds needy.

“Hi Gary, not much. You?”

Nailed it! I’m Tindering with a guy that looks like Hugh Grant, plus he has the same name as Spongebob’s slug.

“Just chilling… So, R U LKN for a Hookup?

He types like a tenyearold girl. Fantastic. And from there on the conversation faded. But you were my first, Gary. Therefore I shall never forget you.

I swiped a few right – more left though. What is it with men, between the ages of 23 and 35, taking naked selfies in the bathroom with a random object in front of Junior? Seriously? A fire extinguisher? Does that mean he’s a fireman?

And then I received my second message from a gentleman named Warren.

“Heeeeey Guuuuurl, you hot.”

USE YOUR WORDS.

“Good day Warren, where are you from?”

That seems appropriate.

“From Stud Town lady, where you from?”

I think Warren should really learn the use of verbs.

Another guy just messaged me, “Cat or dog?”, so I panicked and sent him “uhm… both”. He didn’t reply though.

I had another few conversations with male Tinder creatures. Some were more interesting than the others. And then I got tired of deciphering messages and just gave up.

Left swiping Tinder – take that. 

It seems like a place where people who want some stranger lovin’, don’t have to drive to their usual strip clubs. So my final verdict is: maybe you’ll find Prince Charming in the form of a naked man with a fire extinguisher in front of his junk, or… maybe not.

Here’s are a few more Tinder convos to prove my point:

  A photo posted by Unspirational (@tindernightmares) on

And the crown goes to:

  A photo posted by Unspirational (@tindernightmares) on